IF

If I were queen:

Chocolate bunny makers would no longer allowed to fill the centers with air.  NO HOLLOW CHOCOLATE BUNNIES
Toe nail polish would be illegal.
Jeans n’ Tee’s would be fashionable ALWAYS
Fat would be thin
Fun would be required on an hourly basis
Offices would be outside as much as possible
Vacations… MANDATORY
Public Transportation… highly efficient and always on time!
Middle aged people wouldn’t be so boring and stuffy
Families would be happy and fun
Moms would be required to play at the park WITH their children
(in fact I’d have park benches removed maybe)
Everyone would climb trees, throw balls, fly kites, read books, and smile.

Do As I Say Not As I Do

It’s our weekly accountability time;
a time after school chilling in the living room where we encourage and critique each other.
A little love and a little wounding in the name of love.

It’s a safe place where with love and humility anything can be said.
Does it hurt?  like hell.  Does it heal?  better than aloe.

So I always go first, and I hate going first because you never know what three little people are going to say.  I much prefer being last, but I am  the grown up.  So I went first.

In one word tell mommy one thing about me that you think is great, I asked.
I’ve asked this before and they always surprise me…

your fun, adventurous, creative, loving, wonderful, great, cooker ??? not sure about that one
the list goes on.  I told them to limit it to one word, but if they can’t that’s o.k.    I like to be encouraged.  
I think my kids love me.

I’d like to stop there with warm fuzzies.  I’m reminded of the best of me and it would be so easy to end it feelin’ so fly.
I could think of a million reasons to not go deeper.

But I want to go deeper so I hold my breath and dive in knowing my lungs will burn, my legs will cramp, my heart will explode before I get to the other side.  But I dive.

Now use one word and ONLY one word to describe mommy in a way that communicates something you want me to change; something that makes you say, ‘when I’m a parent I won’t ever…’ 

It was the girl who spoke up and her readiness made me cringe.    
I knew I had a lot of faults and weakness but I thought they might, ya know, need a nano-second or something to think up a word.

Nope, she was ready.

In her sweetest, most humble way, she said, “I know something mommy, duplicity.”
It was a weird, foggy moment looking at  this 9 month old face in a big girl body, staring at me using big words that I barely know the meaning of and  everything felt swirly, twirly for a moment as I  tried to hear her.  ” You’ve always told US to respect others with our words, actions, and attitudes; but when daddy makes you mad, you won’t even do it yourself.”  Then she chuckled a nervous laugh, gasp, something I don’t exactly recall.

I wanted to justify myself.  
I wanted to think she was disrespectful.  
I wanted to run and hide.  
I wanted to say she was wrong.  

So I said something profound,

“wow”

wow is profound because you can say it the same way backwards, “wow”.  It’s also a totally wicked space filler when you need to say something but your thoughts are in like say China and you need them back right now, but you can’t get to them just yet.

“so” is another great staller and when combined to make “wow, so…” you have exactly 2 seconds of time with which to pull yourself together and utter something understandable.

I went with the, “Wow, so, um, hmmmm, tell me how that makes you feel?”

and she did, they all did.  They all agreed with her.  

I had to confess that I’m a jerk, I need help, pray for me, just because I’m the mom & grown up doesn’t mean I know what I’m doing.  I need to work on this, grow and mature, and take my own advice.
I had to say, “You are so right!  I’m so wrong, will you forgive me?”

Next time I’ll take it a step further and say, ” I’m so proud of you.  I”m so glad you won’t be like mommy when you grow up because your aware of these things so young.  You won’t have to be 30something dealing with this…”  I’ll  give her hope that she doesn’t have to grow up to be like me! 

Maybe, just maybe, I’m raising a psychologist here. (and she’s free)

Tri-ath-a-what?

Some of you might remember earlier this year when I decided to run a 5k.

I’ve actually decided to run a 5k every year for the last 10.  Before your impressed you should know this year was different in that I actually left the sofa and did it!   I ran a 5k and finished without stopping!  It was so fun I decided to sign up for more races leading up to a gasp, marathon!  

I LOVE running.  I’m super slow, but I still love it!   I used to make post it notes and tape them to the door that said:  ”You HATE running” because I would forget how much I hated it, and go out to run… until I got past the mailbox… then I’d remember again.  But now I run every day and it’s what passes for fun in my book.  If I didn’t have such amazing fields to look at, I might actually remember the point is to get faster and actually ya know, get faster.  I might also not fall into pot holes, but the fields are nice this time of year.

My sweetie came home tonight and said, “Let’s do a triathlon this summer.”

SO, are we totally crazy?  YES!  We are doing a short triathlon in July.  Pardon me, I’m still learning the lingo here, perhaps it’s a sprint triathlon, not sure.  It’s the short one.
It’s in July and I will have to swim in the God made awful Brazos River and for all who know me I HATE that river from the shore.  I won’t go into it’s grosseness in case your thinking you might want to join me.   I don’t swim in rivers where you can’t see the bottom, ever. ever. ever. ever.

I’m not a fast swimmer, I’m an especially slow runner, and I bike at leisure around the neighborhood…  when I have a bike.  So, I should be fine for finishing in last place, but mark my words I WILL FINISH!

So, does anyone have great advice or tips for training for a  triathlon?

empty

I am  empty right now.
Being empty isn’t the horrible thing I thought it was.

I’m simply waiting to be filled up.

Being filled up is a result of being emptied.
It’s a necessary dance
and it doesn’t care that I have two left feet.

The Sum Of All Things

If one plus one is two

why did my cat have four kittens?

Let It Rain!!!

 

When the kids were little we went outside nearly every day of the year; rain, sunshine, ice, cold, hot and everything in between.  Some of our favorite memories are on unusual weather days when we should have been inside, or in bed.

Today it was raining.  I threw the soccer ball in the trunk, picked them up from school and went to an empty field close by.
It was muddy and wet, and pouring.  The light posts marked our “goals” and I took on three fast children who’s one desire was to take mom down, literally.

I hope it rains again tomorrow and the next day and the next.

Standard Living

For nine, 9, n.i.n.e. weeks I’ve been confined to the four walls I call home.  I think I’m certified c.r.a.z.y.
You might not remember our van died.
You might not remember that we borrowed a car I couldn’t drive for fear of getting another ticket. ( it wouldn’t pass inspection and the down side of living in a suburb with no crime is the police have not much better to do than search for cars with past due inspections and burnt out license plate light bulbs) 
And I KNOW you don’t remember that we have a new car because I haven’t blogged about it.  Until now.

We have a car again that is our own and it’s inspection is current; so one might think I would be driving again… however the drivers seat remains as far away to me as the other side of the pond is from America.

You see there is this small stick in between the passenger seat and the drivers seat.  I suppose it shouldn’t bother me , but it does.  I’ve never used a stick to shift; I put the van in drive and it drove.  

I’m a single task person, so being told I’m going to watch rpm’s, the rear view mirror, move my left foot on a clutch, and shift all while looking at the road is like me saying, “f jofaj nxheojfwslz ngosjpswk sz dg ao j sz ndgjo ” and expecting you to know I want you to make me a chocolate chip pound cake and deliver it tonight at my home by 6:30… and don’t be late.

I opted to learn in a church parking deluxe where there was lots o room, an incline, and no where to damage said new car.  I also thought if I were on God’s “special” property He would grant me mercy to live and not damage our said new car.  Thank You God.  I know you see me anywhere, but I feel extra seen in your driveway!   And now that I just wrote that, please forgive me for saying those words at that time, and could you heal my whiplash too?

I pretty much sucked at driving and was so cussing mad my teacher husband cancelled my lesson and drove me home with that disapproving you suck and get an F lecture.
After 6 or 8 or maybe 12 more tries I felt brave enough for the road.  If you’ve ever heard the saying, “Your feelings are lying to you”, they are.  Be smart and run the other direction n.o.w.!

IT was late, after dark, after 10:30 in our sleepy little suburb.  I was in the bank parking lot across from HEB and there was NO traffic so it was safe.  Again, my feelings lie.  I should know by now but I don’t.  I’m just that trusting.  I stalled not once, not twice, really I don’t care to remember because the next minute there I was screaming into the headlights of broadsiding traffic.  All I could think of were my babies at home in bed who would wake up orphans with no one to care for them.  It was shrill, terror and I think some nearby homes woke up thinking they heard the emergency siren.  Without a thought I jumped out of the car so teacher husband could take over.  I was barefoot.  He was barefoot.  And broadsiding traffic were local, keep everyone safe police officers… who though I was drunk, or two young to be driving, or being hijacked or all three at the same time.

I got the drive in the church parking lot lecture and was told to practice on the real roads between 3-4 a.m.

SO, now you see why I want that chocolate chip pound cake?  YES I’ll take extra chips please!

My First Run!

Here’s what I’m up to every waking moment:

www.stephensphotography-waco.com/jess09

www.stephensphotography-waco.com/emily

www.stephensphotography-waco.com/seth (09?)

So last weekend I ran my first 5k fun run.
It was freakin’ awesome!  

Next is a 10k, then a 1/2, then a full marathon in January 2010!

It was unbelievable!  My favorite part of the race was passing people.  Yes I was slow but some were slower and that was a wonderful feeling …being able to pass them and feel fast in my slowness. Sad, yes I know, very sad.  For those of you who think I’m sweet and like my name… you can now be officially disappointed.

My goal was to finish that day, and I did.  I was hoping to be under 40 minutes but I was at 43, oh well.  I am faster this week than I was last so I’ll just keep improving with time.  The idea of passing people keeps me motivated.

The run held a lot of personal significance for me that is far to precious for the world to know about so I’ll keep it all to myself, but know it was very, very significant for me.  VERY!

Thanks for stopping in post-race and treating us to lunch Grandma!!!  We loved seeing you on what would have been the longest day of my life!!!

words on a string

 

These songs are precious to me.

On Why I Have A Severe Case Of Blog Neglect

I realize my poor, sweet bloggie here is seriously malnourished.  I feel guilty that I have not updated ye inter-nets in a while.  I thought I should provide an explanation and post so here goes:

WordPress is amazing and I like my blog here.  But it’s dreadfully frustrating when I have one of those, ” sweet mother of goodness I HAVE GOT TO BLOG THIS” moments and I log on to my account and the password has been updated AGAIN!  It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that the process for getting a new password is about as cumber-sun as getting Congress to pass and amend a  bill.   

For real y’alls by the time I get my new password my, ” I have GOT to blog this” moment is g.o.n.e. and that is one of the many reasons I’ve failed to update my blog.  Sorry Grandma.

I do think the world should know that tonight the stars were amazing and it was good to lay under a snugleishous blanket of warmth and enjoy a crispy not quiet yet spring night.  I miss enjoying simple things like stargazing not because the stars quit shining, but because I forget to look.  So tonight it was delectable to escape to the  trampoline and simply absorb the vastness and beauty of the sky.  The sounds I love echoed off  the walls of the world and in the sweetness of it all I finally cried a sweet, much needed cry.